It seems that all churches I know are looking for that one, perfect magical program that will make it easy for church growth; some kind of special musical style that will attract people like crazy; that one charismatic pastor with great hair, perfect teeth, a winning smile, with a blond wife and two point five kids (that will work for almost nothing and be on call 26 hours aday); that “all-in-one” special “thing” that will help them grow a church that will put the “mega-church” to shame. Most churches are driven by their desire to reach numbers that will make other churches take notice of their wonderful abilities to do a “true” ministry of God. Pastors of those churches wait to see if “their” version of someone else’s program will work, so they can cut a book deal and sell “their” view of that program to the waiting hungry church masses that are looking to “out do” the next and find the same deal. It seems that all churches are looking for that magic pill, that special program, that one thing that will help them grow – and because of that, they will devour all that publishers and writes place before them, as long as the magic words “church growth” are added to the program line.

Over time, churches have been purposed, programmed, envisioned, deconstructed, restructured, re-envisioned, reprogrammed and deprogrammed, slapped with oil, powdering on the bottom and wrapped in a diaper then sent on their way. In fact, churches have so much of all this “stuff,” the average church library looks like a “who’s who” in the business world and Christian publishing. Yet with the billions being spent on all this “stuff” the church in America is in decline, why? What? You mean you never figured that with all the garbage we consume about being programmed we would be in decline? Well, truth is, we are shoving programs down our collective pipes, and we are not growing. Many church honchos forget that what program works in one area, will not work in another – canned programs never, never work the same in all areas, or even with all people in the same area; heck, they will not work between generations. I will even go as far as to say that “programs” in general do not work well – because it is a natural thing for the “program church” to develop it to a point where reality is lost.

But as churches seek to find that all in one program that will solve all their ills, they forget that programs do very little for people. Sure, the church can “design” things to “meet the needs” of the people, but that is still not working – because, as I believe, “structure” will never give way to growth, and “organization” disallows the reality of “organism.” While churches are searching for the “latest and greatest” they are missing the opportunity to build what is most important in the church – relationships. Now, let me say this before I go on – this is not a program, do not think of it as a program, do not strive to figure out how to make it a program – developing relationship can not be programmed. If you see this as a program, stop reading and go watch SpongeBob (don’t tell Dobson), or clip your toenails, or reread a Maxwell book.

As I said above, developing relationships can never be programmed. Because what is organic can never be systemized, when we take the organic and try to organize it we develop “engineered” life. In my past experiences, no program has ever helped develop a true and honest, lasting relationship. The idea of a “relationship driven church” cannot be programmed, because when it is it loses the spontaneous reality of relationships. So, if developing a “relationship driven church” is not a program, what is it? Think of it this way, it is a lifestyle. It is a lifestyle based not on a “thing,” but on a person. It is a lifestyle based on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. To be a relationship driven church we need to look to Christ as our example. How did Jesus develop relationships? What did Jesus do to make friends? How did Jesus interact with those around him? What did Jesus say about looking into the heart of a person, and not judge the outside?

Jesus made friends with many people, from many walks of life and many different lifestyles. He never judged them (except the religious leaders) for who they were, and he was willing to go that extra mile to truly be connected to people. He cared more about the heart of people, then developing a program that would do very little for them. Jesus did something very important, that many churches today miss – he made friends with people, he was not “just friendly” to people. What many churches today do not realize is that we are not looking for a “friendly church” we are looking for a “church of friends,” a church where we can make and keep friendships. People today are disconnected with each other, and no program will make that connection. What needs to happen, I believe, is that the church needs to develop this “relationship driven church” into a core of it’s being, and not as part of the church program.

Some Key Points (again, this is not a program)

I believe being a relationship driven church is rather easy. It does take the commitment of all to truly work, but once it is part of the DNA, it will take root and run away in the community. But for that to happen, it cannot be seen as “another program” and it must be given true life, true voice, true expression and true freedom to take hold.

I think one of the first steps is that the honchos of the church need to be the examples. If you are an elder, or a deacon, or a pastor, or some other “tag” given in the church you need to be the first to show others that it can be done. No excuses, no “logical reasoning” for not doing it, just do it – make friends, meet people, greet people – one of the most ridiculous programs I have ever seen is the “greeter ministry” where people with name tags hand out bulletins and smile. If we remember to look at the requirements of being a “church overseer” one of them is that they must be welcoming – hospitable (I Timmy 3:1; Titus 1:8). Notice the “must” in that – to me, I do not see this as an option for people who strive to serve in the church. If you desire to be an “overseer” you must be an example of what a Christian needs to be – you must welcome people into the church. If, for whatever reason, this is too hard for you as a servant of God, resign the position and let someone who can do it, do it. It is amazing to me, we are willing to tell people who are not married, divorced, female, or have no kids that they do not meet the requirements of 1^st Timmy, but we ignore that they must also be teachers, hospitable, not quick to anger and other requirements. I guess it is easier to ask a married xenophobe to be an overseer then it is to ask a divorced person with a great heart.

I have found that when those who are “overseers” do it, everyone takes the time to meet people. But in all this, I am amazed at all the excuses people give for not welcoming others. My favorite, “Our church is too big, and there is no way for me to know everyone.” That is the biggest copout ever because that logic comes to mean, “I can’t know everybody so I will know no one, or just a few.” Here is a rule I have always had in ministry, I live by it and require all those who desire to be “overseers” in any church I serve to live by it; here it is: “If you see someone at church, and you do not know their name – go up and introduce yourself to them and get to know them.” It does not matter how long any person has been in the church – if you personally do not know who they are, get to know them.

Now, getting to know people is hard because it requires that you get ready to go past the niceties and into their lives. So many people think it is just “OK” to know a person’s name, and nothing more. The funny thing for me is that people then claim they know the person – what? You only know their name; you do not know the person. No relationship is built by knowing a name, but it is the start. What this takes is a desire to “get down and get dirty.” To go past the “nice to know you” to the “want to have lunch” and the “let’s hang out” stages – to the “let’s get together at my home for dinner” stage – it requires that you open yourself; it requires that you welcome others into your home; into your life – it means you must go past the “niceties” and get ready to get dirty with the dysfunctional lives of others. I was once approached by an “overseer” that told me he was not comfortable with getting to know people, at first. But soon he found that the people he was meeting were, as he put it, “kicking.”

One of the things people need to do is be ready to look past the outsides of people, and into their hearts. I know that many see getting connected and getting dirty as hard to do, but you know what – it is what we are to do. We are to look past what we see on the outside and find in each person we meet, the Christ that expresses his or her heart. This requires that you be ready to go that extra mile, give away your coat, and share your food with others. It requires that you see in others what is wonderful in them – not finding their faults, their wrongs, but to see in them, the wonder of a creation of God.

Some Givens and General Misnomers:

I think one of the biggest problems in developing a relationship driven church without developing via a program is to overcome the strong desire to “create” something and claim it is a “non-program” thing. That is to say, you cannot “create” home groups, cell groups or “fancy ministry name” group and then “ask” people to join – most won’t. Sure, some will, but the majority of people won’t. I know of several churches that stopped with their “home groups” because they could not get people to join – no matter how hard they tried. They hired “pastor’s of care groups” and spend a ton of cash on buying the latest and greatest in “home group ministry supplies” and still, nothing happened. What they forgot is that people cannot be “forced” into groups they need to form naturally. Overseers need to create an atmosphere where creative growth can happen, and where people can form natural groups themselves. This leads to what I think is very important – to develop a program you need to “plan and go,” yet most people do not live that way, they live in a “plan on the go” world. Don’t seek to develop a program, seek to develop people.

Another big problem facing churches seeking to be “relationship driven” is related, in the fact that all programs need to be “approved” and must have a “certain outcome” that must be met. Churches who desire to have a “home ministry program” set up goals that must be met, or justified why they are not met. I have a friend who was “care pastor” with a large church who said that the elders gave him a “goal” one year that over 60% of the church needed to be in home groups by the end of the year – he freaked; he started with less then 10% in groups, and was required to get over 3,500 people in groups by year-end. He was instructed to submit to the elders a “detailed plan” of how this will be accomplished. It seemed impossible and was informed by the “elders” that because the goals were not met he would be “released” form his “call.” Yet, when asked, he found out that none of the “elders” of the church were in “home groups” or in any fellowship groups at all.

With Christ Nothing Is Impossible:

That should go without saying, but I have been amazed at how most churches don’t believe the one simple truth, that with Christ all things are possible. I am thrown back by the defeatist mindset of many churches in America. We teach that Jesus is the answer, yet we are even afraid to ask the questions. It is not an option for the church to be a “relationship driven church,” and it is not something that can be moved to a later date – this is more important then money, building, program, direction, board meetings, or making the “elders” happy. If the church does not have people developing relationships, it does not have the potential to reach past it’s doors and into the world around them. I know of many churches that when you walk in, you find a small band of friends who are unwilling to welcome anyone new into their lives – or into the lives of the church. Ok, so I know what you're thinking – how do we do it? How do we develop a “relationship driven church” without creating a program to do it? Well, let me just say this – encourage friendships, encourage gatherings, encourage groups, and encourage the “overseers” to get off the chair and start to model what it takes to be a Christian in a world seeking friends.