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"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues." -Abraham Lincoln
I was somebody else.
During my young days I didn`t have the chance to be myself. Instead, I received a portrait of what I was supposed to be. Please let me illustrate this for you. I was a very insecure kid. My dad left me at the age of 11, my mother worked really hard to keep things as normal as possible, the world seemed a very dangerous place to me, and I was scared and I willing to sell my soul for acceptance. To my local church I was the perfect lamb: weak, hurt and frightened. For the next 10 years I remember trying really hard to fit into this perfect picture.
I was depresed.
Thinking back I don`t remember that anyone tried to connect me with Jesus at any time. They taught me things about him, and let know what he expected from me. But the person of Jesus was something very vague in those days. I was a perfect kid, you know, quiet, calm, smart. So I imagine that people believed that I was pretty close to Jesus. If I used to act like a perfect Christian even before being one, why try to change me anyway? The fact that I was a bitter and depressive kid seemed not to bother my elders. I was perfect, and pastors just loved me.
I was small.
I didn`t show any signs of growing until my 17 birthday or something, so i remained my 5 feet (1.55 meters) for way too long. I started preaching at the age of 14. While the other kids were breaking the rules, I was teaching the rules to my older brothers in the congregation, and I as far as I remember I was good. I also started to lead the youth group during that time. Most of the guys in that group where older, and of course bigger than me. If that load wasn`t enough trouble for a youngster, I started playing sax that same year. So imagine this 5 feet tall, 15 year old kid, who preached like the the pastor, perform ed sax solos for christmas plays, and lead the youth group. I was a sort of rarity.
Looking back I picture myself walking into the church, carrying this ad:
Come and see the amazing...
Dwarf -Preacher
(who also plays sax and leads youths groups)
Only today, don`t miss it!
I was accepted.
Let me tell you that grandmas love me. They couldn`t stop pinching my cheeks, and all the ladies wanted me as their son-in-law. I was sad and still a stranger to Jesus, but I had acceptance. That seemed to work pretty good for both of us, the church and me. I put the show on, and they gave a safe emotional enviroment.
Finally me.
Well the dwarf finally grew up, and not only preached about “The Creation” or “Noah`s Ark”, but started to ask some questions:
Why are we so sure that the way we understand and live Christianity is right?
Why are we so fast to condemm others, even when we don`t know them?
Why are so many of the things that common people do, considered bad?
As the questions caused the audience to lose interest, the dwarf wasn`t funny anymore. As a matter of fact, he was annoying.
Just when I finally was able to be myself, and open my heart to show my disappointment, my fears, my anguish and doubts, my audience started to forget me. The pastors who had appreciated my work began to feel uncomfortable with me. People were still looking for the cute dwarf, but the dwarf was gone, and the new guy was trespassing on his turf. My pastor, after 7 years of ministry, offered me two choices:
A. I could continue with the ministry career, with the good benefits, on the condition that I forget all this questioning, and use my gifts to serve (amuse) the congregation (audience), or
B. I could have a one way ticket to the exit door.
Today, four years after choosing the exit door, I`m still trying to be myself, out of the boundaries of institutional church. I`m searching for truth with my family and a bunch of brothers and friends, people who know me and are crazy enough to still love me.
Today, I can live without my famous pre-fabricated-sunday-morning-stand up-comedy-jokes. For the first time in my life, I`m sure that Jesus died for me, and loves me so much. For the first time, I`m me and I`m not ashamed of that.
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What an inspiring blog. I'm so happy for you! I'm so glad you have those close to you who appreciate you..they should!!!
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What an inspiring blog. I'm so happy for you! I'm so glad you have those close to you who appreciate you..they should!!! Posted by jtgina | Posted at 08/30/2006 1:32 AM