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The number of American soldiers killed in Iraq almost equals the number of women who have been killed on American soil by husbands and boyfriends over the same span of time. Since 2003, just over 4000 American soldiers have been killed in the war. Approximately 6000 women have been killed on the homeland (1).
Like the soldiers killed in battle, these deaths have left children without parents, fathers without daughters, brothers without sisters. Children witnessing domestic violence are suffering posttraumatic stress disorders. Many of the boys who witness the violence of their fathers will themselves grow up to physically, emotionally, or verbally abuse their partners.
I long for Christian communities to pay more attention.
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I have often wondered why I have been in the evangelical church pews for 14 years and yet have never heard a sermon preached to unpack the complex reality of domestic violence in our society. Why have I never even heard the very words domestic violence from a pulpit? Why is this traditionally such a silent and unnamed issue in our churches?
Because domestic violence, in its very nature, feeds on our silence, like any kind of abuse. Women in these relationships are often controlled, isolated, and threatened to speak of what is happening to them. The psychological damage is so deep that many have felt stripped of a sense of self, not to mention any kind of financial resources. Women and children fleeing domestic violence is one of the leading causes of homelessness– in fact, some studies have claimed up to 50% of homeless women are fleeing violence in their homes.
Domestic violence is a deep wound in our society that cuts across lines of class, education, religion, race, and socio-economics. Christians are not immune. I know an agency in my own city that routinely serves male pastors and other churchgoers who are coming forward needing help for their abusive patterns in their marriages. The agency offers assistance to Christians who abuse and Christians who are being abused.
But what of the intervention of our churches? First, Christians need to acknowledge and grieve for our historical failure to intervene. John Calvin– a prominent voice in much of our Protestant theology– once exhorted an abused wife, “to bear with patience the cross which God has seen fit to place on her…to please her husband…[and] be faithful whatever happens.” He explained that while he had sympathy for her, he could not advise her to leave her husband. While I think most of our church leaders today would disagree with Calvin if directly asked about the issue, it is not entirely easy to tell. I don’t hear anything from the pulpits on domestic violence. I don’t know what the message is in the silence, for not speaking is itself a strong message. Is this issue just not relevant or important to the Christian church?
If and when domestic violence is addressed from the pulpit, it needs to be done with resources for follow-up that will protect the safety and confidentiality of the victims. Leaving an abuser is statistically the most dangerous time for an abused woman. We need safe houses in our churches; education for our congregants; counselors in our midst; and people with experience navigating the danger of these situations.
But, we do need to begin to speak. We do need to engage our culture with Good News– both for perpetrators and victims. Many of the perpetrators know these patterns of physical, emotional, verbal and sexual violence because they too grew up in a home with such abuse. Men who perpetrate need help and compassion, too. Our society often does not give men what they need to be able to recover well from their own pain and traumatic experiences; nor does it provide very much guidance in emotional development within the context of certain stereotypes of masculinity. The church needs to listen to men, too, in coming to better understand why some men harm women.
We need to hear what it means for men to grow up in a culture where certain emotions are nearly taboo for them; where bravado is more respected than vulnerability; where being a man often means being in control and having authority; where many boys are without good fathers and role models and are simply getting terribly missed. We need to know what the church, the media, and their families are teaching men about being “men” and what has been gained and lost in the internalization of those messages. Men need to consider– together with women– why domestic violence is so widespread in our culture, and begin to speak out loud that the prevalence is not acceptable and change is an urgent need. We all need to ask what drives some men to harm women, and why do many women find themselves unable to leave such relationships? These issues are complex. We can’t assume we have all the answers, but will we start to educate ourselves?
Statistics are beginning to indicate that domestic violence in some Christian communities is on par with secular communities (2). Even more startling, is that the research is finding that Christian women stay in these abusive relationships longer, which is particularly frightening, because as those who study DV know, abuse only gets worse over time. Because “until death do us part is taken very seriously” in Christian culture, it can be very difficult to get out of abusive marriages. Furthermore, there might be not be safe places in churches for the abuse to be disclosed– especially when the abuser has a high position of power within his church.
* * *
It is ironic to me that in the church at large we are talking a lot about gender issues, but we are someone missing this one. It seems it is popular to sideline the realities of domestic violence for a host of matters considered more pressing. Because the Women’s Movement of the 70’s has disrupted may timeless notions of masculinity and femininity– effecting social and political change with surprising momentum–the church finds itself in a unique historical moment to re-define and discuss gender roles in the family and church. The church tends to enter the controversy of gender from two entrenched camps. Complementarians believe men and women are equal, but argue for hierarchy in marriage; egalitarians tends to argue for principles of mutual submission. Often, there is little common ground or creative attempts to hear one another. The tragedy is that while the evangelical church is engaged in heated matches on gender roles¬, the world is waiting by. While the church is arguing its gender battles, we are in danger of becoming scandalously irrelevant. We don’t hear the cries of those who are hurting over the sounds of our proof texts. We don’t recognize that there are conversations we are not having– and people’s lives are at stake because of it.
The church has a prophetic role within both local and global contexts to speak out against harmful structures of gender and power. On a global scale, domestic violence is the leading cause of death and disability for women aged 16-44 (2). This statistic ought to stop us, grieve us, and provoke us– and we must be more curious about the world in which we live and how we take part in unaddressed harm. Regardless of our theological differences, we need to ask: How do all of us nurture– or do not nurture– the voices of women in our communities? How would nurturing the voices of women help the church in both preventing domestic violence and fostering a proactive approach to teaching healthy relationships? Likewise, what is happening in our culture at large that masculinity is so often equated with aggression and dominance, and passivity and submission is equated with femininity? How are these stereotypes affecting how men and women live into relationship with one another, even within Christian marriages? As followers of Christ, can we consider for a moment where the logs are in our own eyes and communities? Addressing widespread statistics of domestic violence must start with our own hearts and we must step out of silence.
We can and will continue to hold different positions on how the Bible defines gender and gender roles. But we must have new conversations, ask new questions, and find new unity to come together so we so we no longer are sidelining domestic violence. The greatest tragedy in the church’s sin of omission on this issue is that we have a Gospel that speaks directly to the restoration of men and women. We have our first Story, when both men and women were given the image of God to hold in them and between them. Christians are not upholding the image of God in women if we are not addressing the widespread problem of domestic violence. It is time to start educating ourselves, break the silence on these issues, and provide help for men and women who will be stepping forward.
(Note to those needing help in the U.S.: Help in your area can be found by researching the web, but please remember abusers can track your search history on a personal computer. You can also call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY at 1-800-787-3224. It is open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year.)
1. The statistics on the number of American soldiers killed in Iraq come from the Associated Press. The numbers on DV come from several sources that are tracking the patterns of homicides in the last decade. The U.S Department of Justice reports that about 1200 women have been killed per year in intimate partner violence in the last several years. The American Institute On Domestic Violence also claims about 1200 woman on average are killed every year by intimate partners. It is important to note that men also suffer from intimate partner violence, though the numbers are much lower and the injuries are usually not as serious, though homicides do in fact occur.
2. Parliamentary Assembly of the Council of Europe 2002, Recommendation 1582 on Domestic Violence against women.
3. See James Alsdurf and Phyllis Alsdurf, Battered Into Submission: The Tragedy of Wife Abuse in the Christian Home (Downers Grove, Il: Intervarsity Press, 1989); and Calvin College Social Research Center, “A Survey of Abuse in the Christian Reformed Church,” Grand Rapids: Calvin College, 1990.
Kimberly B. George is a writer and teacher in Seattle, WA. She is currently writing a book on issues related to gender and Christian faith. She blogs, and can be reached at faithandgender@gmail.com.
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You make a powerful and convincing argument for opening the doors and bringing into the light the magnitude of domestic violence in our communities and the institutional impulse to keep this problem under lock and key (see Gelles, Steinmetz, & Gelles, Behind Closed Doors (1981)). It is interesting you illustrate your argument by comparing the number of combat deaths with the number of domestic violence deaths. I was a commissioned Army officer for twenty-one years and much of my work as a Social Work Officer centered around domestic violence in the military community. We have long understood that violence is a learned behavior and have believed that the cycle of violence can be broken with intentional and planned teaching of alternative problem solving skills. I agree, the pulpit and the proclaimed Word of God is a place and an opportunity to highlight the problem and to intentionally promote the love and peace of Jesus Christ in Kingdom living. Press on!
Peace, Ben
WOW! Your article is so moving, and so much truth in it!
I have been fighting the awareness issue for years, and I have to say at times feel that no one listens. To many excuses and to many scriptures to excuse it away. If you don't go by what they feel is needed - you have little faith!
It seems at times people don't stand a chance. Shamed at home by the abuse, and most the time shamed at church for speaking of it. Simplistic advice and scripture thrown on it for good measure!
I think at times its more fear based - the lack of support and fellowship. Fear of divorce rates rising, and the image of the church taking another slap. Submission used as a remedy to fight the issue, and reminder of the roles. Telling them that Jesus took his cross, and this will be yours! Placing the burden at the foot of the cross always confused me. NOT the true meaning, but the saying used as a tool so they didn't have to deal with the issue. Scripture used as a tool of diversion so that fellowship didn't have to dirty.
At times I feel like I'm burning out, and your article has encouraged me yet again! LOL I wasn't going to stop, but now I have the strength and energy to continue!
Thank you for your powerful writing! Praise God for gifts such as yours!
Ben and Hannah! I just now was able to check comments on this article, and I want to thank you both for your thoughts and encouragement. Thank you for the work you are doing (and have done over the years) to help men and women in these situations.
Hannah: I just read some of the links on your blog. I can't believe there are still pastors who ask abused women to submit to domestic violence and then quote Scripture at them. That breaks my heart. I wish those pastors could spend time in counseling centers that work with victims and perpetrators and come to understand the issues of power and control getting played out in DV. I wish such pastors would feel a more genuine compassion that would move them to protect those being abused. Thank you again for your endurance as you seek to bring awareness. May God give you much grace.
Ben: Your work in the Army sounds so important! Thank you for sharing what you did. I think I juxtaposed the stats on war deaths and DV deaths because sometimes I have such a hard time envisioning statistics, and somehow putting those numbers side-by-side helped me understand the gravity of the violence being played out in our homes. From your work in the Army, I am curious if you know the numbers on DV within the military community? Thank you again for writing in and for sharing your thoughts.
Kim, I am reminded of why I spent so many years in denial of the horror of my own childhood. The almost intractable nature of DV makes it difficult to detect or expect by others. It has a proclivity to silence and severely edit those under its power. It confounds into passivity most of those who learn about it or witness it. Thus, your article rouses a profound ache in me to have been cared for well by Christians who alternately ignored, denied, spiritualized or simply lived in ignorance of my suffering and of our family chaos. There are so many logical (and comfortable) reasons for the lack of attention given to DV by the Church at large. Yet, my little girl heart is satisfied with none of them.
Kim, you wrote that you long for the Church to begin having conversations on this issue. My longing feels swollen almost to the point of tearing. I want so badly for Christians: to face the truth of this festering wound in the Church; to listen to those of us who subtly or overtly communicate that we have suffered or are suffering under DV. Most of all, I long to be believed. If the Church believed the extent of violent harm happening within its marriages and families, would it not be engaging quite actively with this topic and attending to those in its grip?
Such longing implicates me in a rebellion against my own past denial. It also implicates me in answering the call to grieve such sin, ugliness and pain and to hope for and in God’s redemption… that He can and does redeem my childhood…and that by His Spirit, the people of God will not continue to turn a deaf ear to the cries (or on-line articles) of such as these.
Inverting despair for at least the next two seconds, I hope… that many more people like you, Kim, will begin to hold, in their minds and hearts, the secret suffering of those living under DV. After all, you didn’t have to; you chose to. You had the luxury of not knowing and yet you chose to learn. You have chosen to suffer with new knowledge of the realities of domestic violence and the Church’s failure to attend to it—its failure of love. You have stepped out in your own life and in print, to gently, prophetically shake us to a new awareness, or rather, to a call as old as the hills: to love… on behalf of and because of Him who first loved us.
To any and all reading: please have one conversation; talk to one friend; muse with God; read one article. Take gentle, doable steps toward a way of loving these broken-hearted ones who have so often been neglected by the Body of Christ… a Body whose function, in part, is to incarnate the closeness of the Living God for just such as these.
We are many. We are all around you. How will you begin to love us?
Marilyn, Thank you for sharing a part of your story here; you are a courageous woman. I read your words yesterday and have been thinking so much about them. Thank you for helping us see the reality of the harm done. Thank you for your willingness both to grieve honestly and hope courageously. I want to hope with you. I truly believe there are many whom God has gifted with a passion for exposing DV in our churches and working for healing for both men and women.
You have an important voice to bring to this. Thank you for offering your words.
This was a subject that needs to be discussed. It was a little disappointing that the first line had to bring up our military. The subject was powerful enough without having to resort to politics.
This was a subject that needs to be discussed. It was a little disappointing that the first line had to bring up our military. The subject was powerful enough without having to resort to politics.
JC: Thanks for the note and for sharing your thought.
(And just to provide a point of clarification, my intent in comparing the numbers wasn't so much to make a political statement about the war, but rather to help us imagine the gravity of the DV statistics. Because I think statistics are hard for us all to imagine, comparisons can help us wrap our minds around them, I think.)
I think it's important for us not to forget that males are also the victims of domestic violence as well.
Kim - Thank you for your insight. I appreciate your comments and desire for dialogue within the church. I am a survivor of domestic violence and am participating in a dv initiative to raise awareness and begin a dialogue in southwest Ohio. I am scheduled to speak at a United Methodist church this Sunday and will reference your article. Please let me know if I can assist you in any way.
Pam
Pam: Thanks so much for your comment, your encouragement, and the work you are already doing. I will be praying for your time this weekend in Ohio.
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You make a powerful and convincing argument for opening the doors and bringing into the light the magnitude of domestic violence in our communities and the institutional impulse to keep this problem under lock and key (see Gelles, Steinmetz, & Gelles, Behind Closed Doors (1981)). It is interesting you illustrate your argument by comparing the number of combat deaths with the number of domestic violence deaths. I was a commissioned Army officer for twenty-one years and much of my work as a Social Work Officer centered around domestic violence in the military community. We have long understood that violence is a learned behavior and have believed that the cycle of violence can be broken with intentional and planned teaching of alternative problem solving skills. I agree, the pulpit and the proclaimed Word of God is a place and an opportunity to highlight the problem and to intentionally promote the love and peace of Jesus Christ in Kingdom living. Press on!
Peace, Ben
Posted by Ben Arellano | Posted at 05/04/2008 4:34 AMWOW! Your article is so moving, and so much truth in it!
I have been fighting the awareness issue for years, and I have to say at times feel that no one listens. To many excuses and to many scriptures to excuse it away. If you don't go by what they feel is needed - you have little faith!
It seems at times people don't stand a chance. Shamed at home by the abuse, and most the time shamed at church for speaking of it. Simplistic advice and scripture thrown on it for good measure!
I think at times its more fear based - the lack of support and fellowship. Fear of divorce rates rising, and the image of the church taking another slap. Submission used as a remedy to fight the issue, and reminder of the roles. Telling them that Jesus took his cross, and this will be yours! Placing the burden at the foot of the cross always confused me. NOT the true meaning, but the saying used as a tool so they didn't have to deal with the issue. Scripture used as a tool of diversion so that fellowship didn't have to dirty.
At times I feel like I'm burning out, and your article has encouraged me yet again! LOL I wasn't going to stop, but now I have the strength and energy to continue!
Thank you for your powerful writing! Praise God for gifts such as yours!
Posted by Hannah | Posted at 05/04/2008 5:23 PMBen and Hannah! I just now was able to check comments on this article, and I want to thank you both for your thoughts and encouragement. Thank you for the work you are doing (and have done over the years) to help men and women in these situations.
Hannah: I just read some of the links on your blog. I can't believe there are still pastors who ask abused women to submit to domestic violence and then quote Scripture at them. That breaks my heart. I wish those pastors could spend time in counseling centers that work with victims and perpetrators and come to understand the issues of power and control getting played out in DV. I wish such pastors would feel a more genuine compassion that would move them to protect those being abused. Thank you again for your endurance as you seek to bring awareness. May God give you much grace.
Ben: Your work in the Army sounds so important! Thank you for sharing what you did. I think I juxtaposed the stats on war deaths and DV deaths because sometimes I have such a hard time envisioning statistics, and somehow putting those numbers side-by-side helped me understand the gravity of the violence being played out in our homes. From your work in the Army, I am curious if you know the numbers on DV within the military community? Thank you again for writing in and for sharing your thoughts.
Posted by Kimberly George | Posted at 05/05/2008 8:31 PMKim, I am reminded of why I spent so many years in denial of the horror of my own childhood. The almost intractable nature of DV makes it difficult to detect or expect by others. It has a proclivity to silence and severely edit those under its power. It confounds into passivity most of those who learn about it or witness it. Thus, your article rouses a profound ache in me to have been cared for well by Christians who alternately ignored, denied, spiritualized or simply lived in ignorance of my suffering and of our family chaos. There are so many logical (and comfortable) reasons for the lack of attention given to DV by the Church at large. Yet, my little girl heart is satisfied with none of them.
Kim, you wrote that you long for the Church to begin having conversations on this issue. My longing feels swollen almost to the point of tearing. I want so badly for Christians: to face the truth of this festering wound in the Church; to listen to those of us who subtly or overtly communicate that we have suffered or are suffering under DV. Most of all, I long to be believed. If the Church believed the extent of violent harm happening within its marriages and families, would it not be engaging quite actively with this topic and attending to those in its grip?
Such longing implicates me in a rebellion against my own past denial. It also implicates me in answering the call to grieve such sin, ugliness and pain and to hope for and in God’s redemption… that He can and does redeem my childhood…and that by His Spirit, the people of God will not continue to turn a deaf ear to the cries (or on-line articles) of such as these.
Inverting despair for at least the next two seconds, I hope… that many more people like you, Kim, will begin to hold, in their minds and hearts, the secret suffering of those living under DV. After all, you didn’t have to; you chose to. You had the luxury of not knowing and yet you chose to learn. You have chosen to suffer with new knowledge of the realities of domestic violence and the Church’s failure to attend to it—its failure of love. You have stepped out in your own life and in print, to gently, prophetically shake us to a new awareness, or rather, to a call as old as the hills: to love… on behalf of and because of Him who first loved us.
To any and all reading: please have one conversation; talk to one friend; muse with God; read one article. Take gentle, doable steps toward a way of loving these broken-hearted ones who have so often been neglected by the Body of Christ… a Body whose function, in part, is to incarnate the closeness of the Living God for just such as these.
We are many. We are all around you. How will you begin to love us?
Posted by Marilyn Meier | Posted at 05/10/2008 12:42 AMMarilyn, Thank you for sharing a part of your story here; you are a courageous woman. I read your words yesterday and have been thinking so much about them. Thank you for helping us see the reality of the harm done. Thank you for your willingness both to grieve honestly and hope courageously. I want to hope with you. I truly believe there are many whom God has gifted with a passion for exposing DV in our churches and working for healing for both men and women.
You have an important voice to bring to this. Thank you for offering your words.
Posted by Kimberly George | Posted at 05/11/2008 2:07 PMThis was a subject that needs to be discussed. It was a little disappointing that the first line had to bring up our military. The subject was powerful enough without having to resort to politics. Posted by JC | Posted at 05/15/2008 4:18 PM
This was a subject that needs to be discussed. It was a little disappointing that the first line had to bring up our military. The subject was powerful enough without having to resort to politics. Posted by JC | Posted at 05/15/2008 4:18 PM
JC: Thanks for the note and for sharing your thought.
(And just to provide a point of clarification, my intent in comparing the numbers wasn't so much to make a political statement about the war, but rather to help us imagine the gravity of the DV statistics. Because I think statistics are hard for us all to imagine, comparisons can help us wrap our minds around them, I think.)
Posted by Kimberly George | Posted at 05/15/2008 4:41 PMI think it's important for us not to forget that males are also the victims of domestic violence as well. Posted by Kslilly17 | Posted at 05/17/2008 1:55 PM
Kim - Thank you for your insight. I appreciate your comments and desire for dialogue within the church. I am a survivor of domestic violence and am participating in a dv initiative to raise awareness and begin a dialogue in southwest Ohio. I am scheduled to speak at a United Methodist church this Sunday and will reference your article. Please let me know if I can assist you in any way.
Pam
Posted by Pam | Posted at 06/19/2008 4:27 PMPam: Thanks so much for your comment, your encouragement, and the work you are already doing. I will be praying for your time this weekend in Ohio. Posted by Kimberly George | Posted at 06/19/2008 11:06 PM