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"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares." Henri Nouwen
FALSE THOUGHTS
It is almost 2 am now, and I cannot sleep because I have been thinking intently about all of the hurt and pain that so many friends of mine are going through right now. For some, I can see it in their eyes. For others, I can see it in their body language. And for yet others, I can hear it in their words. What has happened to our society that so many of us feel like we are alone in our battles and our struggles? Why is it that instead of living life like you have only one day to live, people hold everything tight and hope that no one notices what they are going through? Why do we segregate ourselves? Why, when we look in the mirror, do we see ugliness? Why do we have no self esteem? How is it that a beautiful woman that has the world at her feet, can go home and feel totally worthless and defeated?
THE TRUTH
Do you realize that if you were the last one left on this earth Christ would give his life just for you? Do you realize that no matter what you go through and what struggles you wrestle with, he is still madly in love with you through it all? Do you realize that when he looks into your eyes and sees your pain, his eyes also tear up? Do you realize that when you are home and isolated and fearing tomorrow, he is there interceding to his father on your behalf? Do you realize that when your heart breaks, so does his? Do you realize the shear power that he has instilled in you as one that is identified with him?
Now, I am not talking about a bunch of things that some people grew up hearing in youth group. I am stating the truth, no matter how much baggage some of the truths may hold from our experiences within organized religion. Don't allow the Devil to take what is sacred from you, and don't allow him to steal away the innocence that Jesus has placed in your heart.
I couldn't sleep tonight because I cannot get the fact out of my head, that there are people in my life that I cannot even give a hug to because the hurt that others have placed on them runs so deep. There is nothing more that I want to do than to put my arms around them and hold them and just be with them in their pain. There is nothing more that I want to do than build them up and place them at the top of the pedestal and brag on them. There is nothing more that I want to do than to see a look in their eye that tells me that they know they are loved, cared for, more than conquerors, a city on a hill that cannot be hidden, and people that Jesus is absolutely smitten with!
When I was a youth speaker while a student at Moody Bible Institute, it wasn't about glamor or numbers or myself. It was all about Jesus Christ and allowing him to speak his words through me and to use me in any way that he desired in front of those students. Never did I speak in front of a group if I felt it was Lance White speaking, never. In fact I canceled some talks because I believe so strongly in this. When I would prepare I never had an outline, never wrote anything down, never prepared any speech, never practiced walking or hand gestures, never used voice inflection, never crafted my message to emotionally manipulate anyone, as is so common a fare in many churches today. All I wanted was for God to use me in the way that he wanted to use me. And, I trusted him with all of the words and planned nothing. I simply took a week and asked him to show me, and placed the hurt and pain into my heart that those hearing his message were feeling. I asked him to allow me to feel that to the point that it made me weak physically, and many times I would be in tears leading up to the talk and would isolate myself. I spent a lot of time at the top of the John Hancock Building asking God to allow me to feel the emotion and circumstance of the people walking so far below me, and then those in the building, and then those on the south side, and then those in the city. I asked him to do nothing but speak through me and not allow a single thought to enter my mind that was not placed there by him.
I am still the same person and feel no different even though I am no longer paid to be a Christian. :)
What would happen if instead of reading something in the bible, we actually believed it? What if we really did live like this was our last day? How would we change? Anyone that is trained can put together a flowery speech and make people cry at the end, but in today's church, they call that emotional manipulation "The Holy Spirit ", and degrade the Lord's message by doing that. Let me tell you what the message really is, that Jesus wants to get across to you.
He really does love you. He madly loves you. It may be hard to accept. It may be hard to see. But, it is the truth and it is the only truth that ultimately matters.
It is up to you to find out for yourself what that truth means in your life. How is it manifested? How does that make a difference in what you do? How does that affect how you interact with people around you from now on?
It is not a simple or easy concept. It is not something to hear at a church and suddenly change and hope that you no longer have any problems. This reality will make your life more difficult in many ways once you take hold of it. You need to wrestle with this truth, hash it out, and dissect it. If you don't do these things then they will be just another message, another word. When you have gone through the fight and you are lying on the floor, naked before God, it is then that all comes into play and you will realize just who you are and who he is.
Your life is not a barren wasteland of broken dreams and promises. It may seem like that some times, but God has told us that he is strong when we are weak. That is why I never spoke when I was strong because then it was all about me. When I spoke when I was broken, it was he that spoke through me, and only him.
When I was a student at Moody Bible Institute, I met someone that knew about me and my family when I was younger, in Wisconsin. The guy just looked at me and shook his head and kept repeating that he could not believe that I didn't commit suicide long ago. Actually, three of my childhood friends did commit suicide and my brother attempted several times. Somehow I made it through that without God, as a practicing satanist. Even though I did those things, God was watching over me. He knew that I would turn to him. He knew that I would be writing this to you right now. He knew all of the spiritual struggle that I would have to endure with the enemy during my deliverance process. He knew all of the hurt that would done to me in the church. He knew that I would lose 26 dear friends before the age of 35. He knew that my friend John and I would pray for several hours in my car and when John left, he would be killed in an auto accident on his way home. He knew about all of the pain and hurt associated with having Tourette's Syndrome. He knew the pain I would carry of not being able to stop a pastor from beating my mother up in a hotel room. He knew the bitterness that would be instilled in me when I was forced to memorize Bible verses instead of being allowed to go to recess through grade school. He knew that my best friend Brett would die of cancer when I was away from him at camp. He knew that another best friend Amber would die of lung cancer on the day I left Virginia, and she never even smoked. But... you know what?
HE WAS THERE
He knew through all of that pain, and much more, that I would be where I am today writing this to encourage you in some way. I can look back at the times in my life and see all of the stone markers set as memorials throughout the years. I can tell you when Jesus held me the night that John died and I went to the top of Mission Viejo and gripped my steering wheel and grieved for hours through the night. He was there and he also grieved. I can tell you about the time at camp when Brett died and all of the nights through the summer when I went to the lake side and cried and asked God "why?" And... He was there. I can tell you that He was there when my mom was beat up by that pastor and he saw me being thrown into the wall and laughed at, unable to stop it... He was there. He was by Amber's bed side when she went to his embrace... He was there. He was there when my friends took their own lives and I was left to wonder "why?"... He was there. He was there when I summoned demons and asked them to kill me and take me with them... He was there.
HE IS THERE
He is there when you are put down by those that feel threatened by you... He is there. He is there when people that you care deeply for let you down... He is there. He is there when the memories of your past haunt you... He is there. He is there when you are lonely and depressed... He is there. He is there when you feel like you just don't fit in... He is there. He is there when your best friend dies of cancer... He is there. He is there when all you desire is to be happy and feel peace... He is there. He is there when it seems that the world is against you... He is there.
He knew how things would turn out for me, and He knows how things will turn out for you because he went through it himself.
Please don't allow this message that I am sharing with you to fall into the BIBLE THUMPER GOLDEN OLDIES section. There is nothing more that the devil would like to do than to steal away your joy and rob you of your peace that Christ has made available to you.
I know this. I was a Satanist for seven years, and, trust me, he knows me and I know him and neither one of us are fond of one another. The good thing is that I have a legion of Angels that stand guard over me day and night, and a Lion that sits at the foot of my bed when I need him to.
And... He desires to do the same for you. All you have to do is ask and accept the truth that He truly loves you. If I didn't have him, I would have taken my life all of those years ago... and you would not be reading this right now.
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thanks brother, that touches me exactly where i am.
Been there buddy... One of the biggest blessings in my life was when a Satanist called me years later to let me know, he became a Christian. God used me as a vessel of light and hope for him... What an awesome blessing... you are and will continue to be one as well, as long as you seek to honor HIM! Blessings brother, david
Brother, you have hit the head on the nail with this one. You have grasped what so many have seem to forget. Gods love is always constant but yet we let the Devil steal our Joy. I am also guilty of this and am glad you are still around to remind me that God's love will overcome all my pains and sorrows. I am victorious in him. I will pray that God continues to use you in such a way that you cannot even imagine the blessings he has in store for your life. You have blessed me today with this. Lance, Love you brother, I will keep you in my prayers to spread the message that God has placed in your heart for us.
oh Lance, I cannot tell you how that "hit the spot" today. It moved me to tears. I'm emailing it to myself so I can reread it again and again. I was blessed today through your words and the glory you have brought God by proclaiming the truth about Him. His love and His presence are what have held me through life too!
Wow! As a gay Christian man who is now attending church; and pondering my life's hurts and broken dreams, all I can say is WOW. Thank you for this annoited posting.
Thanks for sharing from the heart about what God has done in your life. You've been through things that come straight from our enemy. The reality of the Spirit's presence in our struggles is to often over looked. We have powers and principalities that seek to rip open the church and to isolate God's people; but in faith we know that Jesus won't let us be destroyed. In faith the Word keeps coming for us and refreshing us. pax
I'm gonna push you a bit here. Some the hurt you speak about does run deep- and it runs deep because it was caused by systemic oppression. If someone has been battered and raped by her husband, hearing about another person who was battered and died (even if it's "for her") is not helpful. We have to deal with the violent imagery of the cross event as a religion. We have to deal with the racism, imperialism, and oppression of women and GLBTQ folks that is so embedded in our history. Christ heals. But we are a part of that healing through participation in God's will... and we are responsible for making the Church socially responsible and emotionally safe.
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thanks brother, that touches me exactly where i am. Posted by Dick | Posted at 10/11/2008 10:09 PM
Been there buddy... One of the biggest blessings in my life was when a Satanist called me years later to let me know, he became a Christian. God used me as a vessel of light and hope for him... What an awesome blessing... you are and will continue to be one as well, as long as you seek to honor HIM! Blessings brother, david Posted by David Safely | Posted at 10/12/2008 12:07 AM
Brother, you have hit the head on the nail with this one. You have grasped what so many have seem to forget. Gods love is always constant but yet we let the Devil steal our Joy. I am also guilty of this and am glad you are still around to remind me that God's love will overcome all my pains and sorrows. I am victorious in him. I will pray that God continues to use you in such a way that you cannot even imagine the blessings he has in store for your life. You have blessed me today with this. Lance, Love you brother, I will keep you in my prayers to spread the message that God has placed in your heart for us. Posted by Luis Castillo | Posted at 10/12/2008 5:48 AM
oh Lance, I cannot tell you how that "hit the spot" today. It moved me to tears. I'm emailing it to myself so I can reread it again and again. I was blessed today through your words and the glory you have brought God by proclaiming the truth about Him. His love and His presence are what have held me through life too! Posted by Jill | Posted at 10/16/2008 3:31 PM
Wow! As a gay Christian man who is now attending church; and pondering my life's hurts and broken dreams, all I can say is WOW. Thank you for this annoited posting. Posted by steven | Posted at 11/14/2008 7:44 AM
Thanks for sharing from the heart about what God has done in your life. You've been through things that come straight from our enemy. The reality of the Spirit's presence in our struggles is to often over looked. We have powers and principalities that seek to rip open the church and to isolate God's people; but in faith we know that Jesus won't let us be destroyed. In faith the Word keeps coming for us and refreshing us. pax Posted by Unlikely Conversation | Posted at 12/29/2008 9:15 AM
I'm gonna push you a bit here. Some the hurt you speak about does run deep- and it runs deep because it was caused by systemic oppression. If someone has been battered and raped by her husband, hearing about another person who was battered and died (even if it's "for her") is not helpful. We have to deal with the violent imagery of the cross event as a religion. We have to deal with the racism, imperialism, and oppression of women and GLBTQ folks that is so embedded in our history. Christ heals. But we are a part of that healing through participation in God's will... and we are responsible for making the Church socially responsible and emotionally safe. Posted by Carolyn | Posted at 01/27/2009 1:36 PM