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I have a socially debilitating psychological disorder. I live in a world that does not exist. I mean this in all seriousness.
In my fabricated rendering of reality I believe that people – all people, but most importantly myself – can choose whether or not to be famous. Every shred of evidence (as exhibited by the 6.5 billion other humans sharing the planet) stands to the contrary: fame is not a choice, it is an irreproducible and even haphazard synergy of skill, chance and time…described by many people as destiny.
Providence or not, I don't like this version of the world. Since I am incapable of abandoning my pathological desire for popularity I feed my mental instability and nurture my virtual personification in this fantasy universe. And where is this non-reality, you ask? Online.
The Internet is the source code for my fantasy. It is the engine and the platform that lets me wallow in the delusion that stardom may yet still befall me. The Internet keeps tantalizing me with this ridiculous lure: the world could truly be my stage. Yes, perhaps one day the whole of humanity will be perched on the edge of their keyboards to read the my near-divine insight, the wisdom of one particularly arrogant individual. Conceivably, sooner or later, everyone will finally realize how important I am. Not only is this a blatant assault on reality and common sense, it is also a laughable farce.
What, exactly, is the subconscious undercurrent driving my chronic need to know my readership stats? Why my pathological (if not self-medicating) obsession with my page hits, trackback links, and reader comments? Why the unremitting need to compare my subscriber count with every other blog I read? What characteristic of 'obsessive compulsive behavior' does not apply here?
I have tried to create something that does not exist: namely, a version of myself inhabiting the spotlight, worshiped by adoring fans, a rock star of the digital paragraphs. The blogosphere confirms my digital hallucination: I am (or might become) something great. This could be my platform to show my greatness to the world and I am, quite frankly, addicted to turning this potential into 'reality'.
This is clearly a neurological disorder. I am a human being. Not a demi-god.
Information Technology, the medium of my mirage, is not actually the root of this bipolar complex. There are no evil spirits in the optics of my Internet connection whispering this delusional flattery in my ear. No, the Internet is to my ego what a bar is to an alcoholic: the temptation to escape from reality into a conscious-numbing repression of the truth.
The truth is that in the real world I am just like everybody else. The riders of public transit, my fellow patrons in the coffee shops, every pedestrian I pass—I am fundamentally no less anonymous and nameless than they are. In the real world nobody is asking for my opinion; I am not the keynote speaker; I am not even a good author. In fact, I am nothing that anybody else really wants to be. Hence I flee from reality. Oh sweet Internet domain, come stroke my fragile ego with your soothing readership stats!
The time I have invested in online image management is incalculable. In this apparitional attempt to become 'a someone' I have invested hours in blog re-design and have constantly tinkered with feeble settings, widgets, and whatever else I think may drive up the ego-enhancing traffic to my fountain of hallowed commentary on the world.
How many readers and subscribers will be enough? When will I finally reach the nebulous apex of the mass recognition that drives me to this insanity? Clearly enough is never enough. I will never be satisfied. Fame has no completion sequence. As long as I believe there are more people out there to impress I will continue do everything in my power to grant them the opportunity to behold the great Self I have created in this fabricated reality of mine.
Or I could just quit. Give up. I could try to reintegrate back into the real world with regular people who are not obsessed with their own mass popularity. Honestly, I am a foreigner to this space—this land they call "the real world." Should my immigration back be a success, I hope to once again live in a place where I can simply write because I love to write, dialogue on digital mediums because I love to learn, and share my thoughts with others who share my life…my real life, in the real world, in real coffee shops and on real streets full of people who are as unknown and content with their fameless anonymity as I am.
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James,
Quitting might well solve your obsession, but at the cost of a medium by which you share yourself and your ideas with those of us who already love you, however much or little fame you might have achieved. By all means, quit writing merely to drive your readership numbers, but continue writing to continue the conversations and the relationships that they develop. There may be countless internet millions who are uninterested in what James Shelley reads, but I am interested, and I would hate to lose the opportunity to fulfil that interest.
If it helps at all, I've never heard of you. :)
That being said, I have just a bit of what you are talking about as well.
"I hope to once again live in a place where I can simply write because I love to write, dialogue on digital mediums because I love to learn, and share my thoughts with others who share my life…my real life, in the real world, in real coffee shops and on real streets full of people who are as unknown and content with their fameless anonymity as I am." Very sincere and authentic. I love it!
I have just met you for real, in person, and totally want to see more of you AND your writing. There are people listening James, they just aren't using their mouths (or fingers in the e-world) to tell you.
Pleased to have a met such an articulate and authentic fellow!
In a world where we are all connected by this amazing piece of technology, quitting at this point would stop legions of people from learning, and dialoguing with you. Perhaps legion is not the best word, but what I'm trying to say is - continue, write, dialogue. Never stop. Force yourself out from the screen and talk, but by all means continue.
I do appreciate the irony that your very confession posted here on the Ooze lends to your quest for fame. :)
@ Luke, Nimble Assistant, Jennifer: thanks for your thoughts. My solution has been to shut down my personal blog and write only in common, "community space" like this: the result is that I can focus on writing and CAN'T worry about how many people are reading my crap. Writing & thinking=good; tracking my readership=not healthy for ego. :)
@ Patrick Boatman: maybe we could start something like an AA group for people like us? Except it would be something like EA...Egos Anonymous (which certainly has an ironic twist to it for sure...)
@ Heather W: Irony and full disclosure are often so closely related, no? :)
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James,
Quitting might well solve your obsession, but at the cost of a medium by which you share yourself and your ideas with those of us who already love you, however much or little fame you might have achieved. By all means, quit writing merely to drive your readership numbers, but continue writing to continue the conversations and the relationships that they develop. There may be countless internet millions who are uninterested in what James Shelley reads, but I am interested, and I would hate to lose the opportunity to fulfil that interest.
Posted by Luke | Posted at 03/03/2009 9:34 AMIf it helps at all, I've never heard of you. :)
That being said, I have just a bit of what you are talking about as well.
Posted by Patrick Boatman | Posted at 03/03/2009 6:37 PM"I hope to once again live in a place where I can simply write because I love to write, dialogue on digital mediums because I love to learn, and share my thoughts with others who share my life…my real life, in the real world, in real coffee shops and on real streets full of people who are as unknown and content with their fameless anonymity as I am." Very sincere and authentic. I love it!
I have just met you for real, in person, and totally want to see more of you AND your writing. There are people listening James, they just aren't using their mouths (or fingers in the e-world) to tell you.
Pleased to have a met such an articulate and authentic fellow!
Posted by The Nimble Assistant | Posted at 03/04/2009 7:30 PMIn a world where we are all connected by this amazing piece of technology, quitting at this point would stop legions of people from learning, and dialoguing with you. Perhaps legion is not the best word, but what I'm trying to say is - continue, write, dialogue. Never stop. Force yourself out from the screen and talk, but by all means continue. Posted by Jennifer | Posted at 03/05/2009 6:15 PM
I do appreciate the irony that your very confession posted here on the Ooze lends to your quest for fame. :) Posted by Heather W | Posted at 03/10/2009 5:40 AM
@ Luke, Nimble Assistant, Jennifer: thanks for your thoughts. My solution has been to shut down my personal blog and write only in common, "community space" like this: the result is that I can focus on writing and CAN'T worry about how many people are reading my crap. Writing & thinking=good; tracking my readership=not healthy for ego. :)
@ Patrick Boatman: maybe we could start something like an AA group for people like us? Except it would be something like EA...Egos Anonymous (which certainly has an ironic twist to it for sure...)
@ Heather W: Irony and full disclosure are often so closely related, no? :)
Posted by James Shelley | Posted at 03/10/2009 8:39 PM