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Recently my husband and I celebrated our anniversary. We are one of those obnoxious couples that is so happy and in love that we don’t mind telling the whole world about our devotion and joy. We have not been married that long, but long enough to prove to Hollywood that “successful marriage” is not an oxymoron.
Our marriage has been good, very good. Our marriage is not special simply because it was blessed by a clergy member who was ordained via means other than the Internet (though it was), or that we were “united in marriage” in a church (though we were) or that the word “before God and these witnesses” actually meant something to my husband and I (though these words are amazingly meaningful to us). No, the reason we have a really happy marriage is because we chose each other every day and we’ve fought for each other since.
We live in a world in which the 1950’s understanding of the word “commitment” in marriage is being redefined at the whims of those who enter into the vow. We can complain about this but it doesn’t change the reality. Marriage looks different and functions differently for each couple.
We have received countless pieces of advice, some bad, some good. We have followed some advice, some to our detriment. It is still our responsibility, as a couple, to make our marriage work. If marriage is unique, why then, do we have the right to tell everyone around us what marriage should look like? What gives us the right to determine the facts and figures for marriage when it’s ultimately up to the couple to decide what their relationship will entail?
Marriage, for my husband and I, is just as much a spiritual experience as it is a civil/legal lifestyle. What makes it spiritual is our commitment to such a purpose. The church no longer has a corner on the marriage market—it hasn’t for a while. Even more, I know quite a few “heathens” who have been married far longer and far happier than other ultra pious people of faith. With that being said, marriage is, in our present culture, a legal or civil union, unless the couple chooses to make it spiritual as well. Homosexuals deserve to have the same liberty that I have. I can’t imagine not being allowed to share that commitment.
One lesbian couple comes to mind. One lady has a debilitating and life-ending illness. Her partner is only legally able to provide a certain amount of care. She has been willing to care for her partner for years; after all, they’ve been together for over 39 years. There are so many married people who are able but not even willing. I fail to even comprehend why we, as a nation, are denying this right and privilege to so many.
It just seems like Christ met people where they were. How are we allowed to judge people because we don’t understand who they are, how they grew up, who they fall in love with or the reason they make the choices that they have made? Are we really willing exercise religious tradition or an oppressive majority voice to marginalize people who just need to be embraced? It seems that we feel the need to change people before we allow them to be known—judge them before we befriend them.
It’s important that we begin to realize that not every marriage is be a cookie cutter and that we, as Christians (whether we believe that we hold all absolute truth or not) do not have the right to condemn a person based on their lifestyle choices. That one is not for us to decide. Let’s stop fighting for oppression. How is that, in any way, showing the love of Christ? How is that, in any way, showing the love of the one who came to this earth to love all people, eat with the worst of us and buy us with tremendous sacrifice? Let us show grace to those who live differently, who choose differently, who love differently. Let us be civil, let us give rights, let us show grace and compassion—not tyranny and coercion.
It is time to be about the ministry of reconciliation. We cannot demand that homosexuals live up to some “undisputed standard” when we fail to live up such standards. It is wrong to look on, lacking mercy and warmth. We need to start an open dialogue that will intertwine, not a sermon that will ostracize. It is time to embrace those who are not like us. It is time to love, not criticize differences. Now is the time to shout for civil equality.
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