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It's a reality. Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has their own set of expectations (some or most can never be met). Everyone has their own way of doing things. We wave the "thou-shalt-not" statements and laundry list preferences that fly like flags on the fourth of July. Funny how the word "change" is the most feared word in the Church, yet too often, we like to change our minds and comment on anything we think at anytime we like. It's been said before, when you put a group of imperfect people into one room, you are going to have a wide variety of personalities and opinions. As a worship leader, musician, singer or pastor, how do you handle the wide variety of expressed opinions? Importantly, how do you handle those opinions when they come in the form of criticisms?
You've heard it before: "Why do we need drums in church anyway?" "Can't we sing more hymns?" "When is this person going to stop talking?" "Why is she in the choir?" "Why did you choose a song that I don't like?" "Pastor, you did not mention MY name in your sermon."
I remember an old story of a worship leader/pianist in our church. She was a mother of three sons in her late thirties. Marvelously gifted at the piano, she served with all her heart in the music ministry. In being a stay-at-home mom, she devoted a large portion of her free time to the church. The music was planned weekly with the pastor. Hours were spent searching through hymnals and choruses just to find the right music-message. Rehearsals were very well-organized, timely and directed. All the sheet music was fresh, neat and nicely arranged. This worship leader cared deeply about her praise team singers and the few musicians that were so devoted in coming to weekly rehearsals. She spent much time and energy in holding extra rehearsals and always had time left for anyone who needed additional help. Her selfless commitment to serving the Lord in music was just that - a service to the Lord and not to herself.
She loved the music. She also loved the affirmation of others and always wanted to do a good job. However, there were times that she became overly concerned of how others thought of her. Sometimes her worry of other people's opinions, hindered her decision making. The worship leader enjoyed closing the service with a well-known and over-sung hymn. She loved this song. The piano was her choice instrument, yet she would sing this song to the top of her lungs.
It was another ordinary Sunday service. As usual, this worship leader arrived early and arranged the music stands, equipment and material on the small stage in a neat fashion. The praise team and musicians also came early and began running through the music. Later that morning, the worship service began. The music was vibrant and moving. Hearts were stirred as people sang loudly. The sermon was fantastic. The congregation was deeply engaged with God as smiles lit up the room. At the close of the service, the worship leader broke into her favorite parting song. People clapped, cheered and were well on their way to the pot-luck meal next door. But not everyone in the room was as jubilant. As people left, a man stayed behind to speak to the worship leader. Some church volunteers were hanging around straitening odds and ends after the service. The man drew near with a sneer in his eyes. The worship leader could see a rigidness in his demeanor as he shuffled his feet towards her. This was not going to be a Hallmark Card moment.
The man reached out his arm and pointed his boney finger in the face of the worship leader. Very coldly he demanded, "why do you always play that same song every week?! I can't stand the way you play and sing that song! Who do you think you are anyway? No worship leader you are. Don't you know that no one enjoys that song the way you do?"
I will never forget the shocked long face of this now teary eyed and fragile woman. She was so hurt and angry that she could not speak. She quietly sniffled and packed her things as she hurried off to the door. There was a sunken feeling in the room. Bystanders stared-down the perpetrator as he made his exit. Afterwards, the worship leader wanted to renounce her position and to leave the church.
Has this ever happened to you or someone you know? There is no doubt that this situation was utterly intolerable and damaging. This worship leader spent long volunteered hours and such godly dedication and was shot down by such an inappropriate negative behavior.
Sad to say, but these situations happen more often than what we like to believe. Whether the person in this scenario was a worship leader, musician, singer or pastor, the hurt and insult to injury is all the same.
Now there are two sides of this story. If you were the worship leader, how would you respond? Could there have been a better outcome? If you were the man, how would you handle your thoughts and opinions? What steps could have been taken to prevent a negative outcome from this situation? Truth is, we experience conflict everywhere. Knowing how to process and handle disputes will make a positive difference in your interactions with people and in your ministry.
For the man, it was apparent that he was bothered. He must have been quite fried enough to wait for everyone to leave as he hurled insults at the worship leader. He felt very strongly in his viewpoints. He was quite articulate in how he conveyed his emotions. From my observation, this man may have already been upset by the time he rolled into the parking lot. A good friend in ministry once said to me, "usually 90% of all negative comments made have nothing to do with the recipient." I believe this to be true.
Look at the scenario again. Was this worship leader trying to upset the gentleman by playing the song? Did she have an intention to ruin the service for this man? Here is the bigger point, was the service solely designed for this man anyway? Think about that for a moment in comparison of your experience.
This man went through great lengths for an attack, yet this worship leader was probably not the source of his aggression. She was not at any fault. Unfortunately, the worship leader was caught in a cross-fire. Regardless, he unloaded without any restraint. The attempt on his part publicly humiliated her for the exchange to elevate himself.
Let's look at the worship leader's perspective. She invested much time in her volunteer work at the church. It is clear that she cherished her service to the ministry. The people in the worship service were important to her. She valued what they thought about her as she did her best to serve. Deep down, this worship leader feared the rejection of people, it was her worst thought. She was completely caught off-guard and was without any defense. How would you respond in this situation?
The reality: there is always going to be someone in life (and in the church) that will tell you how to do your job or will tell you how much better they can do it. Why? We still live in a fallen world. Here's the kicker, God does not want us to be doormats, rather, he desires us to handle circumstances with the mind of Christ and with the strength of His Spirit. Jesus said himself we are to be peace makers - not keepers and not bashers.
What could have helped the worship leader and the elderly man? Boundaries and respect comes to mind. It works both ways. As taught in their book "Boundaries," by Townsend and Cloud. Your personal boundaries are to be upheld. Like a fence around a house, your boundaries say where others stop and where you begin. Only you are responsible for allowing what others put in your yard. You have the say-so power of what people can do or what they can't do. Think about the boundaries of God. He divides truth from falsehood, separates righteousness from sin and distinguishes mercy from condemnation. God presents His boundaries to us as Christians in order to keep us safe as he knows what's best. In the same way, we also our to keep ourselves from what is harmful and unhealthy.
In the perspective of the elderly man, he made a choice to air his grievances, rather than to accept that his personal tastes were different from the worship leader's. It's ok to have an opinion, but it's not ok to personally attack the individual. In view of the worship leader, she dwelled on the issue and wanted to renounce her position and to leave the church. Rightly so, she has every reason to be hurt and frustrated - her emotions are validated. However, leaving does not solve anything, especially when the two opposing forces cannot reconcile. Plus, if she were to go to another church, she'll bring all this baggage with her. This kind of parting is not good for anyone.
So how do you handle criticism? It comes in a variety of responses. And this is the main point - you respond, not react. Reacting would be to flee or fight in the situation. Responding would be to seek to understand and to objectively and mutually arrive at a solution. Even if the two parties cannot agree, you can still agree to disagree. There is nothing wrong in disagreeing with a person. We're all different. Our behavior in how we disagree is the essence of character.
Let's draw two scenarios. The first instance would be that the gentleman was still angry, but the worship leader had a calm response and vice versa. When the worship leader was faced with the opposition, there was a moment to listen and a moment to ask questions. Here's what I mean: the man approaches her and hurls the insults. Instead of the woman reacting, she takes time to listen without personalizing. Yes, this is a very difficult, but it's worthy for a positive outcome. Keep listening. The worship leader allows the gentleman to "vent" his frustrations. When finished, she validates his points. Don't get me wrong, she is not agreeing with him, she is hearing him. In this exchange, the worship leader is showing him kind attention. She responds in statements like: "I did not know you were so upset, this is concerning. Thank you for expressing how you feel. I understand if this were not important to you, you would have not shared it with me. How can I help you?"
Ok, this would most likely throw the guy for a big loop. If you were him, how would you respond? Because she listened and did not personalize the event, she was patient and was calm. This automatically gave the gentleman the opportunity to listen to himself and possibly would back pedal down to a calmer spirit. Read Proverbs 15.1 Especially when she said the phrase: how can I help you?" He may even withdraw his assertions.
Let's say the man went on in his anger to push her buttons. She still has the opportunity to be consistent. This anger-management issue would soon pass, eventually, he will either leave or finally calm down. All the while, the worship leader is loving him as Christ. At the same time, she keeps herself from committing anything regrettable. It's not killing him with kindness so much, because there is a bigger picture involved. It's about demonstrating a ministry of reconciliation. If the anger continues, she has every right to do two things: refer him on to the Pastor and to agree to disagree. Continuing a battle is not pretty for anyone, eventually everyone gets tired and wounded. Most of the time, you really do have to pick your battles. You will then find, that most are not worth the energy and consequence.
In this alternative scenario, the gentleman calmly approaches the worship leader with a comment. He says "you know, I really like the song '_______,' could we sing this sometime?" At this point, the worship leader has the power to respond positively or negatively.
Just remember, when facing conflict, they can't kill ya and they can't eat ya. Stay cool, listen and be patient. Give your attention to the other person. Even if you know they're wrong, don't get on their level. The situation is not about who's right or wrong. Again, we all do things differently. Even as I write this article, there maybe someone who can do a better job. Does it worry me? Only if I let it.
In the big picture of things, through the Lord, you will be surprised to decipher what is eternally significant and what is not. I don't mean viewpoints. I mean people are eternally significant. Love them. Be with them as Christ was to all who opposed His ministry. This is what Jesus meant when he said, "Bless those who curse you." You are being His representative and God's child - Luke 6.28.
Look through the Gospels and see how Jesus responded. In most every situation, he cared more spiritually about the person than what they demanded. He listened and he sought to understand. I believe if we take more time to listen, accept the differences of others and seek reconcilable relationships we are in alignment of loving our neighbor as ourselves. Truth is, we learn more about ourselves in our interactions with people. With the help of the Holy Spirit, we determine or weaknesses and strengths and render them to God. We go, grow and show.
Again, everyone will do their job or task differently from the next person. Just because a person performs a task differently from you, it does not make them wrong. As Paul stresses in 1 Corinthians 12.24, that we are members of each other, each of us posses a unique skill-set from God. Some are weaker, some are stronger, but in the end, we are still one Body and serve in a variety of ways.
My wife and I do things differently all the time. How silly would it be for me to tell her: "I don't like the way you make the bed," or "I don't like the way you brush your teeth." Really? What difference does it make? It's her bed, it's her teeth. She's free to do as she pleases, unless she's harming others in the process. Yet we hear these comments in church: "Why must you do that song?" "If I were you, I would…" Ok here is where the responsibility meets the road. As the Church, each of us are called as members of the Body to serve the Lord through ministry.
Serving the Lord is not pointing out planks in the eyes of others. Serving the Lord is finding your responsibility and contributing to the work of the Holy Spirit as we build up the Church. The worship service itself is just that - a service of worship unto the Lord. The service is not to ourselves. We as the Church are to be a ministry of reconciliation and peace.
Ephesians 4.11-12 says: "It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up."
Nowhere does the Bible say the opposite: He gave some to be finger pointers, gossipers and busy bodies to discourage and hinder God's people for works of service so that the body of Christ may be torn down.
When we sow this un-Scriptural concept, we reap a division and fracture the local church.
As we are new in Christ, we have a calling to live out His love in the places we serve. We also live in a watching world. Our witness to this world says what we believe about loving others and what we believe about loving God. May we walk in the message of His mercy as our responses are seasoned with salt and grace.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation." - 2 Corinthians 5:17-19
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Worship Team Training http://www.worshipteamtraining.com
Handling Criticism http://www.worshipteamtraining.com/ArticlesOnMinistry.html
Podcast http://www.worshipteamtraining.com/podcast
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